Thursday, January 16, 2014

24 Weeks & Emotional Rollercoaster

How far along? 24 Weeks
Total weight gain: 20lbs. (I know this will go up, but that number kind of scared me. Like wow – I’m definitely pregnant).
Ultrasound/ECHO/Dr Appt update: (new) I decided to add this category because I have either an ultrasound, ECHO or dr. appt every week, so why not update everyone on what we find out. So at the 23 weeks ultrasound, she was measuring perfectly in size. Her foot his 4 cm, and the tech said it’s DEFINITLEY a girl!
Maternity clothes? Oh yeah.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: Pretty great. My tailbone hurts, so that will sometimes wake me up at night.
Best moment this week: Going to Cancun for our Babymoon!
Miss Anything? Being able to move easily – I hate my stupid Tailbone!! And now that I’m getting bigger, my back and hips are also starting to get sore, so I’m just a big mess.
Movement: She is always kicking me. She is most active in the evening, or when I’m lying on my side/stomach squishing her. She doesn’t like it when I do Nick has also finally felt her move too!
Food cravings: I still love my salt. It’s so funny on how many sweets and chocolate I’ve turned down during the holiday season. Don’t get me wrong – I totally ate lots of goodies, but way less than I normally would. While in Cancun, all I wanted to do was order room service because they offered fries. I could care less about going to the fancy restaurants and having the fancy dinners.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Garlic and regular sausage.
Gender: GIRL! It’s been confirmed multiple times now. Every tech has been like “Yup, DEFINITELY a girl!”
Labor Signs: Nope.
Symptoms: Just my growing belly!
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: I feel like I took everything so well the first few weeks after we found out our little girl has Pulmonary Atresia with VSD. I was positive and trying to look on the bright side of everything, but that has started to change a little, and controlling my emotions has become a little harder. My biggest breakdown (in front of other people besides my husband) was at my friend’s baby shower a few weeks ago. I got to hold her new little son, and I just started to bawl my eyes out. I felt so bad and guilty that I might have taken some attention off her and her baby, but thankfully she told me that she understood and told me not to be sorry. Her baby was so perfect and holding him made me realize that I wasn’t going to be able to do the normal things most people get to do when they first have a baby. Picturing my baby being hooked up to a million machines and not being able to hold her is all I can see. It’s devastating to realise that I will miss those first few weeks/months of holding her as much as I want to, and that certain precious moments are being stolen from me. Thoughts of “why me/us?” happen all the time. Was it something I did? Am I being punished? Why her? (I know I’m not being punished, and that I didn’t do anything to cause this, but it still doesn’t stop those thoughts or make me think back on some life decisions and mistakes I’ve made.)

A song will come on the radio, and the tear works will come. I will watch or read a story about another CHD (congenital heart defect) baby, and I breakdown. I guess I’m just going through the grieving process, at least – that’s what I am telling myself (maybe a little mixture of pregnancy hormones thrown in there too). We’re slowly starting to buy things for the baby (I ordered the diaper bag I wanted!), but at the same time I can feel my enthusiasm is not where it should be (at least on the inside). I’m so happy to be a mom, but what if something goes wrong? Should I be preparing myself for the worse?

I’m doing my best to put on a brave face for everyone else and reassure them that it’s okay. Nick hates it when people say, “oh, its okay, everything will be fine” or “at least it’s fixable”. I can see his point – that well yes it is “fixable”, it’s still devastating to have to even go through this to begin with, and we don’t know if everything will be okay. It’s not just one quick fix after she is born – she will have to go through multiple surgeries as she grows up, and each one comes with their own risks. She will also have to have to be followed by a cardiologist for the rest of her life, and will have to go through test after test. Something else could go wrong with her heart – like a leaky valve, and who knows what type or kind of medication she’ll be on for the rest of her life (so this may have just turned into a little rant....). Anyways, I just tell Nick that what people really mean is “I’m sorry you’re going through this, and you guys are strong”.

I’m scared and just overwhelmed at times. This is only the beginning of what will be an emotional rollercoaster that Nick and I will be on for a long time.Though we’ve had lots of guidance, and told what to expect the first while after she is born, there are still lots of unknowns and we still can’t predict the future. At this point, I can only pray for a great delivery, a successful surgery, and quick recovery.
Looking forward to: Our ski trip to Whitefish, MT

1 comment:

  1. I have felt exactly the same way! It's such an emotional roller coaster and that makes it so hard to prepare! Hang in there!