Monday, January 23, 2017

|| not just your ordinary monday ||

[January 23rd] – today is just another Monday to most, but to me, it’s one that surprisingly brought more significance then I thought it actually would. It’s our original due date with baby #2.

Why am I surprised at its significance? Well, like I have previously explained, though Nick and I were initially upset last Spring when we found out my pregnancy was unviable, we kind of got over the whole ordeal pretty quickly, and got back to focusing on our daughter Evanna… which is easy to do, when you consider the many distractions she brings lol. I know that it’s a kind of callous thing to say, but when a somewhat small situation (to us) follows a very monumental life altering event (ie. our 13 month hospital admission), at the time you’re just kind of drained of all emotions to properly mourn that type of thing. Our perspective differs greatly from most (at least that’s my opinion), and getting disappointed and emotional over a pregnancy we only knew about for a handful of weeks just wasn’t going to happen. We’ve been through so much worse, and so for us this was just a little lemon we added to our lemon tree, and that was that.

For the most part, I had honestly forgotten about my miscarriage, but we’ve been trying for another baby since October, and our lack of success thus far has made me ponder on it in recent months. Unlike before – we’ve recently been getting negative pregnancy test after pregnancy test over the last few months (including a few weeks ago), and each one brings a little bit of anxiety. I know that’s not a very long time in the grand scheme of fertility journeys, but it’s something we haven’t experienced in the past, and so it’s kind of freaking me out. We hope it just has something to do with my very late miscarriage (I was almost 12 weeks before my body decided to finally miscarry naturally) and emergency D+C, and so my body is just taking it’s time to get things back in order. I think it is -- as my cycles are finally starting to normalize again, and I’m praying this is just a small hiccup on our road to having more kids.

Overall, I still don’t think it’s the loss that I’m upset about, but it’s kind of mind blowing that we could have been welcoming another baby into our family this week, and it’s a little heartbreaking that we are nowhere close to doing that. Like if I was currently pregnant, today would have just been another day, and the “life planner” side of me wouldn’t be so worried. Yes, I’ve learned that things happen for a reason and everything ends up working out in the end  – but I’m ready to lead a less dramatic life, and for things to “just be normal” (though, I gotta admit – it makes for some great blogging content!). Bring on the boring life filled with lots of “carefree moments” and be that “all Canadian family” (can’t say “all American family”… cause well, we’re not American lol). Cause yeah…. I have absolutely no desire to add “fertility issues” to our AboutUs page (which is in desperate need of updating btw), and wouldn’t mind if I could stop feeling like we’re being punished for something, and life would just start being a little kinder to us….

xo The Irvine Family

1 comment:

  1. If it brings any encouragement... I am 28. I got pregnant at 23 and gave birth to a very healthy baby boy. At 26 I became pregnant with our second born. That's when our life became all but "normal". We found out at the anatomy scan that he was diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Two weeks later we were in a moving Truck on our way to NJ from beautiful Pensacola Florida. We needed to be near CHOP for his series of open heart surgeries he would have to undergo and his constant cardiac care he would need. His first open heart surgery was at three days old and his second was just shy of four months. There have been several cath procedures in between... he still has more open heart surgeries to go and has a very unknown future. Through it all, I was the "tough" one. Never letting emotion get in the way. I had to be strong for him and just accept our new crazy life. I wasn't going to let it get to me. After all many people have it far worse. Now onto September of 2016 when my husband and I found out we were expecting our third. We were thrilled. And then October 19th I started bleeding. By the time we got to the ER, I was no longer pregnant. This was the last straw for me... I refused to grieve. I simply couldn't deal with this "one more thing". It was to much to handle and I simply tried to ignore it. Long story short, my body finally told me how stressed I was regardless of how much I told my mind I wasn't. The last three months have been full of more tears and anxiety (something I've never struggled with) than I felt I could bare at times. Like you, I believe everything has a purpose. I believe in God and prayer as well. And I too have just felt sometimes that I am being punished. The truth is, some people are just dealt allot of difficult cards and we may never know why in this life time. I'm certainly not ungrateful nor do I hold any grudges. If anything I'm grateful for so many things and continue to believe all things happen for a reason. I am currently almost ten weeks pregnant with, so far, a healthy little peanut :) I have no doubt that your time will come :) Thank you for your genuiness through your journey of life. I started following you through a heart mom we have both met at CHOP. She shared your post and immediately fell in love with Evanna and your sweet familie's journey. Sorry for the crazy long post! But, I hope it encourages you in some way as you have encouraged me :)