////// Earlier this year, I was asked if I could answer some questions for another bloggers Q& A. I spent a fair amount of time answering them, and feel it's only appropriate to repost it on my own personal blog for our readers to see. xo //////
To start things off, tell me what the past two years have looked like for you.
A
roller-coaster. Our beautiful daughter Evanna was born with a rare and
extremely complex congenital heart defect. After enjoying a blissful 5 months
at home, we handed her over into the arms of our surgical team for her first
open heart surgery on October 6, 2014. She went into the surgery relatively
“healthy”, and overall we were expecting a 6-8 week hospital stay. While the
surgery itself went well, we unfortunately experienced setback after setback
and complication after complication that would keep us in the ICU for 10.5
months for a total of 400 days in hospital. I ended up having to take an extended
maternity leave so I could be at our daughter’s bedside at all times, while my
husband commuted between the city of Edmonton and Calgary to both fulfill his
responsibilities as an employee and husband/father. To date, our daughter has
now had 9 surgeries – 2 additional open heart surgeries, a major left
thoracotomy (ie. it was a heart surgery done from the side), 2 diaphragm
plications, a tracheostomy, Gtube placement and a sternal debridement, among countless other procedures and tests.
She coded 3 weeks after her first open heart surgery, experienced a very scary
mechanical valve failure (it clotted in an almost closed position), an acute
liver failure episode, and complete Septic Shock episode last July that almost
(and should have) took her life. We were finally discharged on November 9,
2015, and have been enjoying having our whole family sleeping under the same
roof once again.
How is Evanna doing now?
Evanna is doing
quite well despite circumstances. Our admission was extensive, and so the
“recovery” will essentially take years; however, she is blowing our medical
team out of the water and already surpassing their expectations. We were told
that a child of her complexities tend to bounce in and out of hospital, but
other than a little “bump” this past April, we have remained admission free (“planned
admissions” don’t count, because they generally mean progress in my book).
We are also
moving on with our life – I’ve returned to work part time (in the capacity we
had always planned regardless of Evanna’s medical situation), built a new
house, and plans to expand our little family are in the works (while this was
all caused by a chromosomal defect, it was not hereditary, so we have been
cleared by our genetic team to have more children). As for her future, we
unfortunately will never be given a guarantee (but I try to think that no one
in life has a guarantee). We believe decannulation (weaning of the home vent
and taking the trach out) will happen sometime in the next few years – but it’s
Evanna’s “special heart” that will unfortunately be her life time battle (this
disease will eventually kill her to say the least). At the moment, a heart transplant
is not an option for due to unique anatomy issues (though I must clearly state
that a transplant is in no way a cure), and there is only so much our medical
team can do – so it’s mostly up to Evanna and her body to keep fighting. My
husband and I have decided that we will do whatever we can to advocate for
Evanna, and as long as she willing to fight – then so will we. However, if
there comes a time that she is done and nothing more that our medical team can
do, then we will ensure it’s done in the gentlest way possible, knowing in our
hearts that we have done everything we could.
What would you say has been the hardest
part of everything your family has been through in the past two years?
“The Talks”.
Probably every parent’s worst nightmare is being told that your child is
terminal or be prepared to “let them go”. From the moment Evanna was born and
received her rare diagnosis, we have had “the talk” on numerous occasions with
different doctors and specialties. Some have been extremely serious – like last
summer when she went into Septic Shock and we were told that “this may be it”,
to a more casual (for lack of a better word) conversation with our primary
cardiologist about Evanna’s potential prognoses. We’ve even had one ICU
physician somewhat question why we would pursue medical care in the form of
additional surgeries and procedures down the road, if she’s going to be
terminal anyways (we weigh each surgery’s risks and benefits, and absolutely
take her quality of life into account each and every time).
Whenever we
have a new admission, we always have to reconfirm her “care goals” (think DNR/comfort
care questions), but thankfully our primary medical team has recognized our
current goals. While we don’t talk about the issue too often anymore, our
primary medical team do know that my husband and I have a good understanding of
the situation, and despite our “cheery disposition”, for our own sanity, we
only now discuss it when absolutely necessary.
Did you find that your personal health
and well-being were affected by all of this?
I think the
biggest issue has been my diet. While up in Edmonton, my husband and I were
given a certain daily allowance to spend on food. It was actually quite the
generous amount, and so we lived off a lot of fast food, items from the
hospital cafeteria, and the comfort food cooked for us at the Ronald McDonald
House by volunteers. Unfortunately, making our own meals fell to the bottom of
our “to-do list”, and it wasn’t a priority while our daughter was in the PICU,
and so the scale has somewhat reflected this over the past year or so. We have
finally somewhat reached a level of stability and new normalcy, so I’m
currently trying to figure out the best way to take charge of my personal
health and make it a priority.
How did you balance self-care?
Creating
balance and self-care kind of evolved over time, and changed depending on where
we were (we bounced multiple times between our local children’s hospital PICU
in Calgary and the Stollery PCICU in Edmonton). In the beginning, we spent incredibly
long days in the PCICU; however, with no choice in sleeping there (it’s an old
and open ICU, which means there are no private rooms – unless you’re on
isolation), you have to leave in order to get any sleep. I know many parents
find this particular issue really hard (guilt being the biggest culprit), but
we felt our child was in the best hands, and so this was sort of a nonissue for
us. We knew we could call any time of day, the unit was open to us at all hours
(ie. visiting hours do not apply to us), and they of course would call if
something came up (which unfortunately happened a handful of times, often
requiring our immediate presence). While the option to sleep at the hospital
became available to us whenever we were transferred back to our “home”
children’s hospital, or when Evanna finally
came out of ICU and onto the regular floor – we still continued to go home and
sleep in our own bed. It was the routine that we were all use too (and Evanna
never seemed to mind), and so for our own sanity, we continued this practice. Yes there
may come a day, when Evanna gets older and may require one of us to stay the
night with her during future hospital stays…but we’ll cross that bridge when we
get there.
While one of us
was always at the hospital physically, we made sure to always
take breaks whenever possible. The days my husband was not working and
up in Edmonton with us, we would both go to the hospital – however he somewhat
took over in paying attention to Evanna, so I could just sit back, and read
either a book or be my phone (giving me a mental break). Towards the end of our main admission (I'm talking month 10/11 here), and back
in Calgary, we decided to each take turns on a weekly basis to take a whole day
off. Usually my husband would take the first day after his work rotation off to
sleep in (as generally he was getting off his last night shift), run errands
and have some leisure time. In return, I usually took the following day off
from going to the hospital to also run any personal errands and essentially do
whatever I pleased. As parents, we are both
equally involved with our daughter’s care, so our medical team loved
that we did this, as it ensured we wouldn’t experience “caregiver burnout”.
When Evanna was finally transferred out of the ICU, the hospital also assigned
a special volunteer to us that strictly came in two mornings a week to be with
Evanna, so we didn’t feel rushed to come in those days. The volunteer would work on
physical therapy and entertain Evanna with books and toys when she woke up, and
overall ensuring that her care remained consistent even though we weren’t
present. Overall, every family needs to figure out what works best for them while attending and balancing individuals needs too. "Hospital Mode" (as I like to call it) is unique and different for each family depending on social, family and financial dynamics, but as long as the end goal is the same – then there's no really right or wrong way to go about it.
Taking breaks
and prioritizing self-care has continued to remain in practice since we’ve been
discharged from the hospital – with just a few tweaks here and there. My husband
loves playing board games (it’s a huge
hobby for him), and so almost once a week, he will get together with his
friends, and they will play for hours and hours. In return, I plan lots of
social get-togethers and quite frequently am able to get out of the house to
see friends. While I know this isn’t feasible for many “medical families”
(heck, I’m sure as more kids enter the picture, the frequency of this may
decrease slightly for us), I can’t emphasize taking time out for yourself. My advice is to work
together as a team and build a support system, as “caregiver burnout” can occur
when the responsibilities fall on just one person.
Who or what has been the biggest source
of support for you and your family?
For me
personally – my husband. He has been my rock and partner through all of this,
and continues to be to this day. He continued to work almost full time through
the entire admission (only taking days off when it was absolutely necessary),
and took over for me at the hospital when present, to allow me a mental break.
We have gotten through this as a team, and will continue to moving forward.
As for our
family – well it’s been the whole community. From hospital volunteers and
strangers (whom I now consider friends) at the Ronald McDonald House, to people
from our church and local neighbourhood. I also have to mention the entire medical
team (at both hospitals); as when they aren’t busy treating our daughter, they
also have been so caring and compassionate towards us, ensuring we are well
taken care of!
Then of course
our awesome friends and immediate family members, who have been there to help
where they can, and support us every step of the way.
For other mothers with hospitalized
children who may be reading this, what message would you like to share with
them?
Take it one day
at a time – this is a MARATHON, not a sprint, and so be careful not to burn out
(I feel like this has been a theme for this particular questionnaire – oops!).
When your child is in the hospital for a prolonged
amount of time, your role as a parent changes. You have a medical team essentially
“kissing the booboos” and making them feel better (ie. pain meds), and your job
is to now to advocate for your child’s medical care, be their voice, ensure
that things remain constant and that everyone is on the same page (sometimes
things can become muddled when you have lots of “cooks in the kitchen”). Being
well nourished and rested means that you will remain strong and of “sound mind”
– which is what your child needs the most right now.
Is there anything I didn’t ask that you
would like to share?
I guess I would
like to touch on what readers can do to help. From simply educating yourself on
congenital heart defects and their prevalence (each year more children die from
congenital heart defects than from all childhood cancers combined), and the
fact that there is no cure (heart
surgery is considered a “palliative measure”, and is in no way a complete and
total “fix”). Learn about and become
an organ donor. While I don’t wish trauma on any family, knowing what you would
do ahead of time may help make the decision much less difficult should the
situation ever arise. If you are healthy individual, looking into becoming a
regular blood donor (to date, our daughter has had over 30 blood product
transfusions), as it’s a relatively simple and easy thing to do. None of the
above involves money, but obviously if you are in a position to donate towards
CHD, do your research, and ensure you are giving to an organization that
actually puts money towards congenital heart research, and helping families
that are affected by CHD’s.